After that fateful day, I kind of broke down when I realised that Neil would not be around me anymore. I had loved him with so much passion, so much devotion and such lust! If only he could have seen it...he was just so gentle and soft...and not in a sissy way! No, not at all...he was like a warrior coming home after months of war, finally finding his lover, sweeping her off her feet..ah, those times were great!

Ugh, stupid Amanda!

I tried to make my peace with the fact that Neil's essence would not make my day anymore, that his sound would not bring me to the world where only Neil and I resided. I didn't fret, I didn't cry. Well, except for that one day of howling I did when he died but that's a different story....it was kind of dampened by my annoyance at his killing himself.

I thought that I was doing well on the whole getting-over-Neil-Patrick thing till a week after his funeral. I was asleep when I had this really weird feeling, one that I only had on long journeys that made me nauseous. I woke up and as a reflex, ran to the bathroom...only to throw up. I paid no attention to it since just the previous day, my father had invited his friend from Pakistan and the cooks had been instructed to prepare traditional Pakistani food. That had been unsuitable for my digestion and hence, the throwing up was justified. But that didnt explain the four subsequent throwing up sessions I had. So, I finally gave in and called a physician home, swearing him to secrecy about whatever happened between us.

It was true. I was, in fact, pregnant with Neil's child.And I didn't know what to do about it.

I know that now it's not a big deal. US and UK have the largest number of teenage and single woman pregnancies. But back then, it was pretty grave, having your own child without a father. Neil and I had been secretive because my mum and dad would have freaked out had they known that I was in love with one of the men of the rival counties. Neil was the Count of Kent and York hated Kent. So, my parents hated Kent, too. The only person who knew about us was Amanda (May she never rest in peace).

So, I was blank.

I was twenty seven, single and pregnant.

I think hearing that dull "thud, thud" of the axe was the defining moment of my life.



I guess that was when my destiny as a aging cold-blooded murderer was written.




It was the happiest day of my life, for that bitch, Amanda, was dead, but it was also the saddest, because I understood that night, that Neil would never again be mine. Far from it. As i'd said before, he had become mentally deranged after seeing Amanda's death (I won't say murder, for only INNOCENT people are murdered, not bitches like her).




At first I tried to sort it out myself. Only later would i know that that was my ONE (and only, because , let's face it, I'm awesome!!) mistake. I tried to shower him with so much love that he would forget all about what happened that fateful night. But even though I gave it all I had, I couldn't erase the mark that that night had left on him. He was broken...forever!!



Our courtship sustained for a few months, a few, unsatisfied, unsatisfying months. We tried to pretend that everything was fine, nothing had changed, but it all came to a standstill on the second fateful night of my life.



7th July 1804.



The night of my 27th birthday.



The night I was supposed to wed the love of my life, Neil Patrick.



The night that was supposed to be the best night of my life.



The night that became one of the worst nights ever.



The night Neil killed himself.



Everything was going on as per the schedule I had drawn up for my special day. The Chapel looked pretty, decorated with hundreds of thousands of orchids and lilies, a gigantic chandelier swaying above the altar, bringing a sweet, yet somehow seductive glow to the entire room. Candles, everywhere I looked, making me look even prettier than I was in the hundreds of mirrors that adorned the walls of the great hall. I had requested my father for French cuisine to be served in the reception hall a few yards away from the Chapel, and at that time I could smell the baguettes and buttery, sugary, succulent pastries wafting their mouth-watering aroma everywhere. It took all of my will-power to not go and stuff myself with that food.

A good thing, actually, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fit into my first (of many to come) wedding dress!

Oh my God, that gown was the most beautiful and exqusite thing I've ever seen!!

It was white, obviously, with every SINGLE inch of it covered in glitter and diamonds. It had a plunging neckline, off-shoulder, fitted sleeves, a corset and then a flowy mass (yes, I was ahead of fashion at that time too), a LONG trail, a matching pair of dainty sandals and the most BEAUTIFUL veil. The veil framed my face like a princess's, softening my features so I looked like I was an angel in heaven, floating around Earth in my awesome gown.

Ah! I completely forgot to mention the chocolate fountain in the middle of the reception hall! Chocolate was still a new concept then and my wedding was one the first ones to have a chocolate FOUNTAIN. Now that I think about it, that really was a fairy-tale wedding!



If only Neil hadn't decided to kill himself that particular day....



You want to know what happened? What went wrong?



Fine, I'll tell you.



Amanda was what went wrong. She had to get herself killed in such a violent manner didn't she? If only she had left Neil alone.....



He wouldn't have had to witness her death, he wouldn't have gone senile and he wouldn't have killed himself.



People blamed me for his death. They said that if I hadn't said what I did, he might probably be alive today (okay, so not TODAY, but you know what I mean!!).



I didn't agree with these people. All I had said was, "Now nothing can separate us. We'll be together forever!! You'll be mine forever. No can take you away from me. You'll only belong to me, me, ME!!"

I don't think what I said should've sent him over the edge, but that's what the people at the mental health facility who examined me said. My therapist bluntly told me that I was solely responsible for his death. Personally, I felt it was just....umm...."cold feet", nothing more, nothing less. I don't think that was enough to warrant him slitting his own neck!

I felt really sad that he was gone (more on that later) but I DEFINITELY didn't feel responsible for his death. In fact, it gave me a chance to try out other young bachelors in town. I mean, I was, of course the Princess of York now that my father was a Duke!!

Though I'm sure you'll all agree that it really was stupid of Neil to kill himself (like I said, the sadness came only later).

Anyway, to each his own. While he was off killing himself, I was revelling in the glory of my wedding day.

Ofcourse, I didn't get married that day, but whoever said life was perfect?